Quarter Life Crisis

In about a month, I'm turning thirty...and I'm terrified.  I think I'm going through my quarter life crisis about five years too late.  I'm almost thirty, and I don't have my shit together.  Yes, I have lots of professional accomplishments, and I'm the youngest person to have the Clinical Director position in this or surrounding agencies.  I feel like, personally, I don't have my shit together.  I'm reactive to life instead of being in control of my life.

I eat fast food because I can't plan ahead and cook meals, I don't work out because I'm "tired," "lazy," and "work hard."  I just don't feel fulfilled.  So, I'm on a spiritual journey to find myself and to take control of my life again.  So, I'm working on some things.  I'm working out every day, training to run a 5K, and eating well.  I just need to make it a habit.  It needs to part of my routine.  I need to create structure within my life.

I'm also trying to work on my soul.  To make me happy with me.  I'm going to read more and do more spiritual activities to get in touch with God.  I ordered the 21 day visual devotional, and I'm really excited to start working on it.  I need a schedule to write, to read, to live my life and stop letting my life live me.

Soulful Sunday: Letting Go

This week in Bible study, we discussed Ruth 2:1-23.  In this passage, Ruth goes to a local farm to green the harvest, and she unknowingly stumbled upon the farm of a (distant) relative.  because of her consistency in her faith, her relative, Boaz, showed her tremendous kindness and compassion.  We discussed how nothing happens for no reason, it is all part of God's plan.  God sent Ruth to the farm, who "just happened" to be owned by a relative.  This is evidence of God working in our lives, and how trusting in God and living God's word consistently will "pay off" in the end.  

The concept of God's Plan is a difficult one for me.  I constantly want to be in control and to know what and when things are happening.  When I feel out of control is when I turn to food, because that is often what I can control.  Often, the food is not good quality and is very unhealthy.  That's why I'm 253.8 pounds...because I feel out of control a lot.  Eating and "stuffing it down" is a lot easier than admitting I feel out of control, I'm scared, and I need to talk it out or time to figure stuff out.  It's about learning how not to rely on food anymore.  

I've always been overweight.  With all of the crazy stuff I endured as a kid, I think food was my mom's comfort, and therefore became my comfort.  I remember we used to go to Burger King everyday after school and I would order a chicken sandwich meal.  We ate out A LOT, which I think is why it's so difficult for me to get into the habit of eating at home.  However, my weight got really out of control when I came out as a lesbian.  My family has conservative values, my wife's family has super conservative values, and it was difficult for me to express myself.  So, I ate, and I ate, and I ate.  

All of this stuffing stuff down is (quite literally) killing me.  So, I know that I need to follow God's plan and put all of my trust in Him to guide me and know that everything is going to work out exactly the way it is supposed to.  Since I have been trying to practice that and do constructive things to manage my stress, I do notice that I have been feeling better.  I am really tired.  In fact, I slept the majority of Saturday.  But, I still have a lot of growing (and hopefully shrinking) to do to meet my goals.  What is ironic is that I'm a mental health professional, and I know all of this.  I need to start practicing what I preach, which means practicing what Jesus preaches and getting to know God...right?

Soulful Sunday: Who Is Jesus

Part of my journey to becoming the best me is developing my spiritual side.  In order to do this, I go to Bible study every Tuesday with a few friends, and I am reading a book called Rediscovering Jesus: An Invitation.  I am going to put all of my reflections for the week into one post so I don't overwhelm everyone with spiritual posts.  

In bible study, we are reading the Book of Ruth.  We only read one chapter at a time, and this week was week one.  It is interesting to read about a woman who is so devoted to her family that she, despite pleas to do otherwise, stayed with her mother and law and sacrificed her changes of finding a husband and settling down herself.  As my wife and I are in the middle of making decisions about employment, moving, and ultimately where we want to be, I think there is a take away lesson for me to be less selfish and to think about the needs of my wife as well.  She was recently offered a good offer that would require her to move away and us to be apart for a while.  She turned it down.  As much as I believe that is what is best for her (she is in the middle of a doctorate) and for us (I just started my new job), I feel a lot of guilt.  We talked about it, and my wife agrees this is what is best, does not think it would be good for her or for the new institution; however, I still feel a little guilty.  Throughout this process, I have had such a difficult time letting God take control and trusting that things will workout exactly the way they are supposed to.  That's the challenge, which is why I know I need to work on learning about and allowing Jesus into my life. 

The book, Rediscovering Jesus, reads like a devotional.  It is divided into short chapters, and I read a chapter each night.  It has been an introduction to Jesus and his teachings.  It discusses the "Jesus question," which is "who do you say that Jesus is?" The author of the book surmises that Jesus is an invitation to know God.  I think this is an interesting, and accurate, way to conceptualize God.  When I think of my answer to the Jesus question, I think I would have answered this question very literally such as "the son of God" and "someone who taught God's word and died for our sins."  Now, I'm in the process on getting to know, and truly relying on, God and getting to know God through Jesus.  That's what I'm trying to determine and to discover and to rely on.